By Laura Martin

I usually receive wonderful, well-written letters. However, on rare occasion I receive letters that are "not so wonderful". I always try to learn from these letters... what is it that made me dislike the letter? I don't want to be "guilty" myself of the same faux pas! Recently I've received two such types of letters.

#1 - I gained a new pen pal...but soon found myself dreading writing her a letter. Why? Although her letters were long, 98% of each letter she wrote was her response to my last letter. (Her questions and comments about my letter.) She wrote almost nothing about her life and activities. Even after exchanging a series of letters, I knew very little about this pen pal...She was an enigma. I didn't think it was fair that I alone was doing all the sharing.

#2 - I gained another new pen pal whose letters had the opposite problem... These letters were 99.9% about her and her life. She hardly said a word about my letter. In fact, I wondered if she even received my letter. Her letters came across to me as being very self-centered and selfish... She probably was not a selfish person, but her letters sure came across that way. I decided to just stop writing this pen pal. And I have not heard from her since.

What can we learn from these letters? I think the number one lesson is this: A letter is a dialogue, not a monologue! The American Heritage Dictionary defines these two words as follows: A dialogue is "a conversation between two or more people". A monologue is "a long speech made by one person, often monopolizing conversation".

When writing a letter, avoid the "me, me, me" syndrome. Don't fill the entire letter with your "news". Of course your friends want to hear what you've done lately and of course you want to share your life and news... but not to the exclusion of everything else! Think of a letter as friendly chit-chat between friends. Therefore...

Each letter should answer the previous one. When you sit down to write a letter, make sure you have your pen friends letter in front of you. Respond to it! Answer their questions. Ask a few questions. Make a few comments about the latest news they shared with you. Exchange ideas and opinions.

Yes, share your news and life with your pen friend... but make sure you don't forget to respond to their letter. Remember, a letter is a dialogue, not a monologue. Letter writing should be enjoyable...a friendly exchange between friends. Happy writing!

This article originally appeared in Cool World Pen Pal and Friendship Zine. Editor Laura Martin has been an active postal pen pal enthusiast for almost 20 years. Cool World ended publication in 2004.